What is feeling safe for me?
Safe is the space where I feel held, and protected, both physically and emotionally. Safe is the space where I can touch what I can see without fear.
There is a sense of attachment that comes from the familiar, not necessarily from the objects within the space but from the space itself, the security, the regenerative quality and the creative quality as it begins to allow me to relax my limbic brain, reducing stress and need for fight or flight.
In this relaxed state, the space that was small begins to expand and become the universe without walls or ceiling, but with a floor, or more accurately a foundation.
If you are a couple, issues may arise having to do with coming from different family and cultural backgrounds.
For example, the following case study:
Shana and Frank are both 35 years old and were recently married. Frank’s family is from Northern Ireland and Shana’s is from Iran. Frank has a successful career in law and Shana will be a homemaker, and they are expecting their first child. They have found a subdivision house in New Jersey. The house has a central hall entry with glass two stories high, making the stair to the bedrooms visible to anyone approaching the house from the street.
Shana feels uncomfortable coming down the stairs in curlers and robe, worrying that someone might see her. Shana’s ancestors are from the Middle East, where women would have been protected from public view. In Shana’s experience, the first level of protection would be the courtyard between the street and the house, and second would be by the shielding of bedrooms from public view.
Frank cannot understand the problem. His threshold of privacy is much lower than Shana’s. In his cultural and tribal experience, the front door is right on the street. Open the door and the family is exposed. I ask the couple to each draw their reality plan (what is) and their ideal plan. When they are done we compare the two.
Here we see the issues that arise between cohabitants and their differing cultural backgrounds. Hundreds of books have been written about couples relationships and the need for communication between them that is necessary in order for the relationship to succeed. The impact of the couple not communicating their family and cultural differences will affect their living space – and the impact of that will resonate throughout their daily lives.
The goal for all of us is the creation of balance and harmony in our homes. The balance between who we are as members of a family and tribe, and who we are as individuals, needs to be struck. The resulting sense of harmony will be reflected in the ways in which our homes are a source of regeneration for our pursuits, as individuals and as couples.
An example of the creation of balance in the case study with Shana and Frank might be on several levels: on the emotional level it is through the expression by Frank of his desire to protect Shana as a manifestation of his love for her; on the spiritual level it is through the creation of a private place for the family to be honored; and on the physical level it will be to modify the stair, perhaps enclosing it or at least shielding it from the street.
Of course, in seeking balance, the couple needs to take Frank’s needs into consideration as well. His need to be open and transparent in the community, his need to be welcoming, and his desire to feel that his home is available to his child and his or her playmates are all of importance.
You can see how these diverse needs require not only communication, but also, close attention in the design program. In an ideal world, Shana and Frank would start from scratch and arrive at a solution to satisfy both their needs.
Exercise: What were my family’s attitudes about the following?
Privacy
The place of women in the home
The relationship of home to the extended community
Habits and customs of the family’s coming together